A friend and myself seem to have the hots for the same guy.

Dear Tina,

A friend and myself seem to have the hots for the same guy. After 3 years away I have returned to town and it was only by chance that I ran into both my friend and the guy in question. He tells me that he was keen on her, but after being told she had herpes he lost all interest. I know for a fact that she does not have any diseases. I know the attraction is not just on my part, I see the subtle signs from him, while he has not seen my mate in over 2 years. I have had the hots for this guy longer than I can remember and my friend, while she still likes him too, has just had a baby and as far as I'm concerned is in no position to be hunting down the men folk!!

Help me Tina!!

T. in Australia

Tina replies:

It sounds like this guy had the hots for your friend before he had them for you. If you value this friendship, the honorable thing to do would be to let the guy know that your friend really doesn't have any diseases and she's dying to jump his bones. Next, tell your friend that the guy is in love with her, and see if you can set them up on a date together.

Of course if you do this, you could be letting go of your only chance at True Love. You'll probably end up spending the rest of your days sitting at home alone, knitting sweaters as you grow old, with only your 87 cats to keep you company. On Thursday nights, 'The Girls' will come over to play bridge, and you'll always win because you'll have your cats trained to help you cheat. After 59 years of this, you'll die alone on a cold winter night, and no one will even notice for a week. By the time anyone finds you, your cats will have devoured your corpse because there was no one around to feed them. Nothing will be left of you except for a few bones.

But it doesn't have to be this way...

The other option is for you to stab your friend in the back and steal the guy for yourself. To do this, you'll need to spread rumors that your friend really does have herpes, and make sure the guy hears about it. You could even find a guy with really nasty cold sores and pay him to tell everyone he got it from your friend.

Next, you'll need to do everything you can to make yourself irresistible to this guy. Everyone knows that guys only care about two things: the size of your boobs, and how good you are at giving head. Any guy who denies this is probably gay and he's lying so he can get all the guys for himself. Fortunately, your bra size and your oral skills can both be easily improved. Here's how...

Start by going to the nearest butcher shop and getting the biggest salami you can find. Use this to work on your deep throat technique, and keep practicing until you can take the whole thing without choking. If you record some videos of yourself doing this and put them up on your profile, I'll be able to give you additional pointers.

Once you've mastered your oral technique, you'll want to find a surgeon and get the biggest breast implants they offer. Ideally, they should be about the size of watermelons. There's not a guy on the planet who will be able to resist you after you get these. Don't worry if they're so big that you have trouble standing up, because you'll be spending most of your time on your back or on your knees anyway.

After you've completed these two tasks, you'll have no trouble bagging the man of your dreams. The two of you will live happily ever after as you boink each other senseless every night. Meanwhile, your friend will be sitting at home knitting sweaters and changing diapers as she raises her baby. Maybe she'll forgive you if you get her a cat or two.

Tina Serena

What does it take to find the right relationship?

Dear Tina,

What does it take to find the right relationship? I have been with several guys, and several women. Although I am white, it looks like most of my relationships were with whites, so now I am thinking of the other cultures. By the way, I am colorblind (not judging someone based on race) and wish more people were too.

Sincerely,
Norman

Tina replies:

Well Norman, I can certainly relate to what you're going through, having been in the same situation myself. You have several different options:

First, have you considered a relationship with another species? You mentioned that you've already been with men and women and you're open to other races, so why not expand your horizons a little further and try animals? Not only are they cute and cuddly, but they'll never nag you about doing the dishes, they never make excuses to get out of sex, and they'll never question that mysterious lipstick stain on your collar. What more could you ask for?

Alternately, instead of trying to find a relationship outside of yourself, you could try looking within. We know you're already having sexual relations with yourself because the videos are all over the internet. Why not take that a step further and have a romantic relationship with yourself as well? Just think of it! You could leave intimate love notes for yourself to find later, enjoy candlelit dinners by yourself in fancy restaurants, hold hands with yourself as you take romantic walks along the beach, and so on. Your imagination is the only limit! This works even better if you're fortunate enough to be blessed with a split personality. If you aren't that lucky, you could always try to cultivate another personality by taking massive doses of psychedelic drugs and subjecting yourself to extreme trauma.

If these two options aren't to your liking, your final choice is to castrate yourself, pluck out your eyes, and join a monastic order. Since most relationships are little more than vehicles for sexual release, castrating yourself will eliminate that need. By plucking out your eyes, you'll remove the possibilty of being tempted by the sight of a beautiful man, woman, or animal. And by joining a monastery, you'll limit your contact with other living beings, thereby reducing temptation even further.

Hope this helps!

Tina Serena